That Constant Longing

I feel as though I am a contradiction of what I say I am. I take pride in being unsentimental. I am the type of person that would throw away things that most people would keep as memories, like movie tickets or a dead relative’s books. I thought, huh, that must mean I’m good at getting over unpleasant situations.

I was wrong. I’m not.

It turns out, I’m only good at throwing things away. Taking the physical ‘thing’ itself away from me is easy, but the memories keep coming back to haunt me. I don’t know what this condition (I’m damn sure I’m sick in the head because there’s no way a normal person can feel this way) is called but I can recall almost every mistake I’ve made since I was 7 years old. What’s annoying about this is it makes me want to go back and not do it.

But, I guess, the bright side of this is what I learned after making those mistakes.

For example, (1) don’t call someone a cib*i in front of your mom, else you’ll get chili peppers stuffed into your mouth, and (2) don’t put guli in your nose, you’ll get sent to the hospital. Mistakes are a part of life; you learn from them. But how do I get over breaking someone’s heart? How do I get over not calling my dead grandmother enough? How do I get over lying to my friends and causing them to hate me?

I can’t let the past go, and it gives me anxiety. Whenever I think about my mistakes, I would have to shake it off, or my heart would start beating really fast and I’d have to crouch down and lean onto a wall in hopes that it would go away.

Surprisingly though, I don’t get as anxious as I do thinking about my mistakes as I do when I recall my sins. I think it’s because I have faith that God has forgiven me? I don’t know. You never really know with these things. That’s why it’s called faith. It saddens me when people say, “You don’t know if God has forgiven you” or “Tuhan terima ke taubat kau tu?”. It’s God. You can’t question the promises He made in the Quran. You just gotta have faith that He has forgiven you and let go. See that, I can let go of. Because I know my God to be Merciful.

It scares me more to act sinful towards my friends and family, because I don’t know if they’ll ever forgive me. It’s crazy. I have my priorities all messed up.

I don’t know where this post is going so, I’m just going to leave it here.

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