That Constant Longing

I feel as though I am a contradiction of what I say I am. I take pride in being unsentimental. I am the type of person that would throw away things that most people would keep as memories, like movie tickets or a dead relative’s books. I thought, huh, that must mean I’m good at getting over unpleasant situations.

I was wrong. I’m not.

It turns out, I’m only good at throwing things away. Taking the physical ‘thing’ itself away from me is easy, but the memories keep coming back to haunt me. I don’t know what this condition (I’m damn sure I’m sick in the head because there’s no way a normal person can feel this way) is called but I can recall almost every mistake I’ve made since I was 7 years old. What’s annoying about this is it makes me want to go back and not do it.

But, I guess, the bright side of this is what I learned after making those mistakes.

For example, (1) don’t call someone a cib*i in front of your mom, else you’ll get chili peppers stuffed into your mouth, and (2) don’t put guli in your nose, you’ll get sent to the hospital. Mistakes are a part of life; you learn from them. But how do I get over breaking someone’s heart? How do I get over not calling my dead grandmother enough? How do I get over lying to my friends and causing them to hate me?

I can’t let the past go, and it gives me anxiety. Whenever I think about my mistakes, I would have to shake it off, or my heart would start beating really fast and I’d have to crouch down and lean onto a wall in hopes that it would go away.

Surprisingly though, I don’t get as anxious as I do thinking about my mistakes as I do when I recall my sins. I think it’s because I have faith that God has forgiven me? I don’t know. You never really know with these things. That’s why it’s called faith. It saddens me when people say, “You don’t know if God has forgiven you” or “Tuhan terima ke taubat kau tu?”. It’s God. You can’t question the promises He made in the Quran. You just gotta have faith that He has forgiven you and let go. See that, I can let go of. Because I know my God to be Merciful.

It scares me more to act sinful towards my friends and family, because I don’t know if they’ll ever forgive me. It’s crazy. I have my priorities all messed up.

I don’t know where this post is going so, I’m just going to leave it here.

Back At It

Hello, this is Ruzanna. And yes, I wrote the ‘Hantu Lendu’ post.

So far, two books have been made out of it – Penghuni and Lendu. Kudos to the authors for getting published! I’ve yet to read either of those books but I hear they’re getting good responses.

Anyway, for the past 4 years, I have been blogging on the down low. After that post got so much attention (and also after getting harassed by strangers on the internet and my university officials), I decided to keep everything private; posting for myself and close friends only.

I kind of missed blogging on a larger scale though. But everything is so different now. People used to do it for fun – to update their friends and to post about their travels or daily thoughts and whatnot. But now, with microblogging sites and people’s growing interest in vlogging, you can see why there’s a decline on the usage of actual blogging platforms.

I don’t blame the authors for abandoning it, though. As a writer, having being read is already in itself a pleasure, but not a lot of people read blogs these days. Some bloggers would say that the reason they write is to get their thoughts out there, with no expectations of who comes to read or not. But trust me, looking at the Stats widget and seeing the numbers rise? That’s a good feeling.

A lot of people post quality content on Twitter. They use threads. And every time I read these threads I think to myself, ‘This really could have been a blog post. This person should start blogging’. And then I think, ‘Nah, people wouldn’t read a post that long’. So here’s my theory: people like to read short sentences, one by one. Not much different from blogging, to be honest? But when people visit blogs, they can see paragraphs, and I guess it’s an instant turn-off?

It’s not a surprise, really. The majority of people on Twitter read headlines and never bother to tap on the article link. Why? Because it’s short. The same mechanism as a thread. Short sentences, one by one. The same way a blog or an article is written, but why not read blogs or articles? Because they can see paragraphs. It’s all in the mind.

I don’t know if you get what I’m saying but I hope you do. I haven’t been blogging for the masses in long time. It’s difficult to filter out my words to make them public-friendly. But I’ll try.

So here I am. Back at it. I’ll update often, I promise. I’ve so much to tell you.